Clive Alexander-Clarke

ᗪᕮᗩᏒ ᗪ¡ᗩᏒY: I no longer have tomatoes, or mushrooms they are far too overrated [👺more importantly, if he negates them both, he will never see the beans] It’s the same theory as Schrödinger's Cat. The beans are in a state of existence and are nonexistent until the heated serving container is open… as I never open said container - I couldn’t care less! Most of the hotel guests have changed. The Runners still dominate, but have been replaced by younger models. The walkers/ramblers have walked off, only a couple are left. A new faction is visible - the tennis players and they’re growing in numbers along with simple holidaymakers. Us cyclist have struck up a coalition with the holidaymakers who rent bicycles, boosting our dwindling numbers. However, we may need to rethink this tentative alliance when I spot the Latin looking dude with his white shirt undone tan chest out, dark shades and darker hair, wearing chocolate brown chinos, rolled up above the ankles, wearing sandals, but he can’t make that step through with a basket on the front - cool. I think we should stay in the minority, again… Within 5 miles there has been several instances of people off in their own bubbles. I’m not going to recall them all [👺He could] just an example so you get the idea. Pedro Lamy straight is a 1ish mile long, green pathway 4ft wide. Once on it stay right. The Runner/Walker Retired F1 Driver do the same and you people coming the opposite direction, you stay right too. Or it doesn’t work. So you on the static moped [👺That shouldn’t be on the path] I got this Pronoun. Yes YOU and your two friends chatting width ways across the path - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! How’s this going to WORK?… I literally turn to Maggie and say, “it’s going to be one of those days…” we are in agreement. These selfish bubbles are popped by us all-day-long… Our destination is “Café Bar Nice View” that is as near as makes no difference 1000ft of climbing. We are taking the road I found yesterday that avoids Portugal Ave, however, it adds 5 English miles to the journey, but as promised fewer vehicles and absolutely no climbs. Until my Garmin announces out of nowhere a 3.7 mile climb @4% average. I keep all this extra information redacted from Maggie as I don’t remember any climbs. Of course there’s a conversation about the climb, she has realised pedalling has become laboured - but the distance involved to the summit has been omitted. Hell I’m trying to make head ‘n’ tails of it myself. I think the Garmin has added climbs together and it is actually 3 plus miles to the summit of “Café Bar Nice View” [👺 That’s his story and he’s sticking with it] Turns out I was right. “Café Bar Nice View” is actually closed. We track back to a café lower down the climb and sip Coke Cola and a long Cappuccino. Four guys arrive three on identical red Trek’s one on an unrecognised bike as my attention was drawn to the Treks. I enquire whether they are rentals. The Dutchman says yes, €30 per day, 12 speed 105. He has brought his own bike, I think because of all the hills, I still can’t recall the make, but it had rim brakes. We chat a little, then we depart. Bidding them safe journeys. We track back to Vista Real, taking in the 5% climb, both laying it all out there. [👺Then realising, they didn’t need to do the final climb] Meh! Tracking back we find the road to the nature reserve and make for the bridge viewpoint. It’s underwhelming. After the hidden café at Castro Marim we retrace our steps back to the hotel and head to the pool on the roof to relax…

ᗪᕮᗩᏒ ᗪ¡ᗩᏒY: Out north this morning. The Sun is out and the wind is low. I’ve worked out what happened to the epically immense pothole on Portugal Ave - they filled it in! It’s still undulatious [👺not a word] but it won’t throw you off or puncture your tyres. Impressive really until they need to use the inspection cover they’ve buried…D’oh! I reach the traffic lights that appear to have no real function except to frustrate. Today they stay green. Before I know it I’m turning into the countryside. I plan to climb to “Café Bar Nice View” then go on to Climb Umbras, but I’m already doubting my choices [👺 since birth? Or just today?] At the top of the debatable nice view I turn and descend, chining off Climb Umbras for an unexplored road to Rio Seco. But first I must remove whatever has flown into my ear…Grrrr! This road is superb, fast, smooth and traffic-less. Best of all it emerges a spit away from Castro Marim. This kinda makes Portugal Ave redundant. I head up to Via Real and out north. I thought I’d seen the drill tower of a fire station [👺engage brainwashing chip] but it turned out to be a water tower. [👺disengage] At the turn for the descent to the dam I take a drink and consume contraband. Yep still got loads, thanks @Garth. Climbing is so different to descending [👺 Some might say they are completely the opposite] This road transforms when going 3 times as fast on the brakes, blur, watch out blur, “Jesus H Christ,” bump. “What does the H stand for?” Bump! [👺FOCUS!] It’s indistinguishable from the bumps, but there’s an emergency bunny hop in the video of the descent from hell! Of course I make it all look easy, but some pee did escape - not from me. The overreacting lady on the right that ran for her life for fear of being run over by the 30 foot wide bicycle [👺TBF your open barrings can wake os mortos] A stingy 9% greets you at the other end of the dam, but it’s smooth and rolling all the way to the main road. Then loops back around to Castro Marim. From there I unleash everything I have left into the wind on Pedro Lamy straight [👺All 175 watts! Careful you don’t pull something] I don’t even consider the 3-foot wide bicycle path through Santo António, I’ll take my chances with the traffic thank you very much. I can hold 18-19 mph down the very boring east road and I’m back at the hotel. My black jersey and bid shorts are streaked with white salt deposits, maybe I did put in an effort…

ᗪᕮᗩᏒ ᗪ¡ᗩᏒY: We take the road north then on to the not so busy Portugal Ave. It has less potholes and protruding iron works than normal or we are desensitised [👺does this make them more or less dangerous?] The 5 miles swiftly passes. Now on quieter country roads the elevation starts. The weather over the past two days has been unsettled, raining off and on and very windy. The first day we confined ourselves to barracks, but yesterday we drove out into the countryside retracing the first ride route. Turning left after the first notable climb to find an amazing descent followed by a sharp ascent then repeated, finally depositing us at the base of Umbrias. This detour isn’t long but the roads are empty with fantastic tarmac. That’s where we are heading today. Nearing the top of climb 1/12 [👺 minus 6] a tight gruppetto of 15 cyclists pass us and swoosh left. Commands are shouted in Portuguese and they look very cool. My knee has been grumpy with arthritic pains since we started. I’m hoping by the top of the climb it will realise I’m not stopping anytime soon so it should quit it. At 11 miles we stop at the “Café Bar Nice View” that’s not its name just the banner hanging outside. [👺 the advertisement is debatably false] the view is obscured by abandoned plant and a trailer with chairs] Furnished with a coke and a coffee we take advantage of the early rest. A beeping horn turns our attention to the nearby road where some 15 cyclist are turning out of a side street. The now strewn out over a quarter mile gruppetto are not the swish tight professional looking cyclists of 30 minutes ago. Jerseys are undone and some look broken. The Sun is out and the temperature is 17-20ºc We are never taking that route. Mounting up we ride a couple of miles then take the detour left. The road is as advertised swooping descents and short sharp ascents until the 3.18 miles @5% average with ramps up to 11% Climb Umbras. The views are stunning. You can see all the way to the sea in the south, the bridge in the east, wind turbines in Spain beyond the bridge. West is more and more rolling hills. They’re never mountains and I’d imagine none of them have notable names, but the elevation acquired around this area would easily eclipse 6000ft in 100km. Umbrias isn’t a difficult climb but the descent is fast in either direction. We are soon back on the first ride route. Just before the assorted bicycles we stop at a café/bar clearly for local people and neck down more water and coke. @maggie announces 5/12 [👺 minus 6] which means one more climb then it’s all downhill from then on. [👺Ha ha ha ha ha!] The rolling hills continue and repeat. Village after village. The bridge is a lot closer now and the final descents/ascents are familiar. We noodle through Monte Francisco, under Via do Infante and down through Vista Real, we are there. Castro Marim and the café cafeteria. Dave and Michelle recommended this place to us a few days ago, we already knew the town just didn’t know the cuisine and where it was hiding. After a well deserved beer, pizza and Nutella [👺banned by the UCI - so it must be good] pancake we plod the 5 miles give or take back to the Hotel. Just shy of 4000ft elevation.

ᗪᕮᗩᏒ ᗪ¡ᗩᏒY: It has become clear that beans are not served when sausages are on the menu. It seems a strange substitute, tomatoes for beans seem much more apt. The weather report was thunder & lightning for yesterday [👺Never happened 50% right 10% of the time] Today it says clouds and light rain. Meh! We’re riding out through the nature reserve east. The reserve surrounds Monte Gordo. Either you use the road north or east. Then the red 3’ wide cycleway and on to “Pedro Lamy” straight north. Each route out of Monte. Gordo has its disadvantages but they are no different to living in Central Milton Keynes. To get to cycle worthy roads you have to traverse 3 miles of Milton Keynes in all directions. Now in the traffic free Algarve I drop my guard and go the wrong way. My Garmin 1050 isn’t the 1040 plus - hands on hips wagging a finger at me. The 1050 just says “Okay we can go that way then” and reroutes. It takes @maggie half a mile to catch me and correct my mistake. Thankfully there were no climbs or descents to renegotiate this time. Back on track the roads are either up or really up! We get to a dam and spy two cyclists ahead. The road off the dam looks like 15-20% it may as well be a wall. The pair ahead start their ascent. @maggie say “Go on without me, save yourself.” [👺At least that’s what we heard] No messing around teasing gears, straight up to 32T. We climb steadily [👺Pedestrianly] I notice that one of the pair ahead has trainers on, with flat pedals. Ouch! As I draw alongside I say hello. She rasped hello back. I feel bad for using up her energy. I do hate when “OTHERS” riders or walkers say something motivational like “You’ll make it” or “Not far now” Grrrr! Just bid me good day and leave me in my own version of HELL! I reach the guy, who is on a Ribble [👺looks brand new] I draw alongside and we greet each other. Dave has clips and Michelle his wife is on her 3rd ride on one of Dave’s old bikes. They’re from Leeds. Michelle doesn’t like clips, which is understandable until her 300th ride when the realisation that marginal gains times ten means easier - for - everything. Climbs, Descents, Flats, Corners, Sprints…Everything. I stick beside Dave chatting. Maggie passes us and pushes on to the summit [👺so much for save yourself] Dave & I pull up behind the rejuvenated Maggie. I turn and Michelle is within spitting distance of the top too. Impressive. We all chat a while then bid each other fond farewells. After the next climb we turn left they’re turning right. The rolling hills give way to what would’ve been savage descents but the unpredictable wind gives us pause. The precipitation up until now has been welcoming. Not the weather we wanted but the weather we needed. Until the final valley. The descent deposits us at another body of water then brutally goes up! 10-12-15-17% in the corners. It was never under 11% until the top. As the temperature had been dropping legs were unprepared. Almost 9 minutes of hurt. Then the rain. More than an irritation, but most if not all the climbing and most of the descending was done. Just Portugal Ave and the local Scooter, Moped gang to negotiate and we are back at the Hotel. Another 38 miles with no coffee or cake stop…D’oh! !

ᗪᕮᗩᏒ ᗪ¡ᗩᏒY: Beans warning! Why would you substitute sausages FOR BEANS? Then some savage used the same utensil on the tomatoes and the beans for Gods sake! Today is a flat recovery ride of varying surfaces along some already cycled roads and some driven roads. It is clear that to get anywhere we are going to have to use the busy Avenida de Portugal with its ill placed inspection covers, potholes and failed drainage. Once we turned off the main road we are presented with 20 yards of a cycle lane - green smooth, labelled and protected by some harsh little car destroyers that are way more effective than a white line. Stray onto these bad boys and you’re lucky to get a puncture. If you’re going fast enough and had enough to drink you’re still wiping out whoever’s using the cycle/walk way. 20 yards and it’s time to cross the road. Thankfully a patient driver has anticipated our need and is waiting. I feel like I’m in Gran Canaries. After discussing the Egyptian temple display with the Dutch windmill we are back on the cycleway where we met the aging Portuguese F1 driver yesterday. It’s a story worth telling. After being presented with a shimmering green pathway, I feel we must use it but there is a very slow moving mobility scooter ahead. We are in no hurry and the lanes across the bridge are narrow - why risk it. [👺because the scooter is moving at minus pedestrian speeds] All too quickly we’re on top of him. So we stop to admire the bridge and let him clear the narrow cycle/walk way. Once. clear I notice that the path blocker is not the scooter but an old lady. The scooter breaks left after draughting her for a nano-second, excelerating to an eye wateringly quick, 12 mph or was that 12 kph? We start in on catching up. Dispatching the old lady who is moving so slowly she getting younger. Pedro Lamy [👺 a Portuguese F1 driver from the 90’s] is distancing us. We have to battle with a 19 mph headwind but as we approach he uses his mirrors and pulls right but accelerates WTF! I draught but I’m not dropping gears for this guy. It takes 3-5 seconds to pass old Pedro, his power unit topping out at 12 bhp. [👺 May we suggest an aero package upgrade] The next obstacle is a scooter being poorly managed by two young girls who have not grasped the conceptual formula giggling = lower coordination G<>C I’m. conscious that if they both get onto the scooter they will become a moving chicane weaving towards us. Thankfully their final attempted mount fails comprehensively spilling them to the right hand side into another fit of giggles - we sweep left. I fear there ain’t enough room for Pedro!. The next obstacle is Villa Real de Santa António three foot wide red cycle path between parked cars and across roads. Sometimes both. Add pedestrians and other bikes and you have the makings of a feasible indie-game as no major thought or financial backing has gone into this whatsoever… We then find ourselves at Paris-Roubaix 2026. I do recall KOᗰOOT warning that a 0.93 mile section of this ride may not have a suitable surface for your chosen sport or at least this is what I thought they were referring to. Clear of the cobbles [👺Don’t know what all the fuss is about?] We now head towards a peninsula between Portugal and Spain. In hindsight this was the unsuitable surface for my chosen sport. Big sharp stones shouting “punctures, free punctures. Come get your punctures here! 2 per bike max” I can’t believe we didn’t take them up on the incredible offer. It’s debatable if the risk/reward was worth it. Of course no punctures means yes but would I do it again - probably not. After that it was a dead straight road back to the seafront at Monte Gordo for a coffee and a not so cheese cake, processed cream cake… May come back for the food but not the dessert. Back at the hotel the manager smiled thinly at us as we wheel our bikes through reception. Acceptance? Now off to find Leroy Merlin’s to find Thread Lock. Pity Juls is not here…

ᗪᕮᗩᏒ ᗪ¡ᗩᏒY: Away again but not as planned. sTrumpet puppeting [👺not a word] lives from another hemisphere. War should be outlawed unless commanding offices are within the borders of the country in conflict [👺want to stop spam emails, unnecessary work emails and scam text? Charge per email & text. Want to stop school & other shootings? Charge more per bullet like $500. Want to stop war, put POTUS in the country they’re in conflict with!… Simples!] How much do you really hate the guy next door? Enough to use your overdraft? That or every one would be a fantastic shot. Dubai may not be at war, but missiles passing over make it tricky to land a passenger jet. So Portugal 🇵🇹 The Algarve it is… Maggie Savill has joined me on this trip, which starts effortlessly at 4am. It’s been a while since I’ve used Luton Airport with its new sprinklered car park. Apart from being body searched for bling that I’m not wearing and the ankle monitor that again I don’t have things go smoothly. No beans in sight at breakfast and strangely sedate boarding for easyJet. Even the anxiety of “will the luggage fit in the car ?” 🚗 [somewhat military green] [👺oh the irony] We are early to the hotel. But if we had been on time, we still would’ve been early. We watch the sea and relax for an extended time [👺90-minutes] I could’ve muddled the bikes together in the street and got some positive miles in. By the time Blossom & ᗪᗩKOTᗩ ᖴC were assembled, outside was dark. The shake down ride will have to be accommodated within the first ride. There were no spare parts left so I’m confident minimal if any adjustments will be necessary although Ribble left no excess on the front hydraulic cable so the calliper had to be removed to get the handlebars off and back on again. Breakfast is a no beans affair but crowded. The guest fall into 3-4 categories. Runners, Walkers/Ramblers, Cyclists and others - older people that don’t move very quickly. They are in the minority. Runners and Ramblers vying for dominance. Today’s ride is 38 miles four significant climbs, not one more, not one less. Sounds like a quote from GaƦṱĦ Ḫ USMES. Maggie Savill has stolen someone’s route from KOᗰOOT [👺what could go wrong?] The shortest shakedown ride is followed by a carbon knocking sound while riding along a busy road. The new inster 360 X4 Lite has come loose of the front mount and was seconds from bouncing down the road into an expensive oblivion. I have not even film anything yet! I manage to quick release it into my pocket. Lock tight is required. Apart from that both bikes appear sound. Turning off the main road we head into the countryside. Car frequency drops to almost zero. Roads are smooth but the Garmins are shattering the tranquility of it all with constant beeps. The pilfered course has every eating establishment marked and some that don’t even exist. This is somewhat distracting as the wind has picked up and is gusting around our front wheels. I’ve not had to concentrate so much since yesterdays automatic customs machines that are followed by a customs officer that stamps your passport [👺Belt & Braces] I quickly realise I should ignore all Garmin noises as it’s not directing us just telling us where the food is. Maggie is convinced there’s only 4 climbs and 730 meters. At 933 meters there are absolutely no more significant climbs! I didn’t help going off piste in search of windmills and bridges “you know I can’t lay off the big ones…” Back at the Hotel with 41+ miles and a shade under 1000m is a win. The Hotel Manager offering us the cycle storage room for our bikes. I politely declined… I don’t imagine that conversation is over… Good first day nothing fell off either bikes… Win 🙌🏾

ᗪᕮᗩᏒ ᗪ¡ᗩᏒY: “What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed - fully understood - that sticks; right in there somewhere…” [👺Wow! You went ALL out, the whole quote. ᗩᑎᗪ so appropriate!] The 7am 🕖 diners have been decimated. Reduced to 4 including myself. EP. ᗷᏒᕮᗩᏦFᗩᏚT...🥓🍳☕️. goes very well…🤗 Surfing. 🏄‍♂️ [not that kind] yesterday I l👀ked at the ᏚTᏒᗩᐯᗩ challenges. “Mistake…” I only needed 77 miles and change to complete another Rapha 500. I completed this challenge out of spite and despite last year in England 🇬🇧. The ᗯᕮᗩTᕼᕮᏒ was poor, damp, ᑕOᏞᗪ🥶 and windy. I could barely walk when I started it in Tᕼᕮ ᗰᗩTᏒ¡᙭ by mistake. There were errors in calculations ᗩᑎᗪ I wasn’t entirely sure when it started. Completing it in 5 ᗪᗩY’Ꮪ instead of the allotted 8. [discounting the mileage completed in Tᕼᕮ ᗰᗩTᏒ¡᙭ “Do you know what's waiting beyond that beach? Immortality! Take it! It's yours!…” After Brads pep talk I was ready to go. There was no discernible wind 💨 direction “It’s a trap!…” [👺 In honour of Sheldon] It’s early, just after 8am 🕗 I’m taking things very easy, there’s a long ways to go. No climbing in the big ring 💍 [not that kind] lift and coast on the descents, ᗩᑎᗪ definitely no imaginary races [👺That really will be your downfall] There are a lot of early riders about all going in the other direction. I make a stop 🛑 as Sky are warning ⚠️ me about low data. I roll 3 gb ᗩᑎᗪ keep on rolling. [👺excuse the pun] At Maspalomas the traffic builds ᗩᑎᗪ riders start passing me. Some say hello 👋🏾 some don’t. I can see Tenerife. Can’t imagine there’s much else but that mountain on the island 🏝️ [bigger much bigger] ⛰️[with snow on top] 🗻[easier to l👀k at the picture.] I’m going to the end of the ᏒOᗩᗪ or as far as the ᏒOᗩᗪ allows since the land slide in 2017. ¡ᗰᕼO² they should never fix the ᏒOᗩᗪ. At the moment all cyclists have to either drive to Mogân or catch a boat ⛴️. All cyclists go to Mogân as arguably the best climb on the island 🏝️ starts there - Serenity. [👺 It’s just good business. Open the ᏒOᗩᗪ less ferry ⛴️ traffic] let’s face it, no rider is taking a boat ⛴️ if they can ride [👺That’s cutting into ᑕOᖴᖴᕮᕮ ☕️ money 💰] I pass Puerto Rico [where you catch the ferry ⛴️ to Mogân], now I’m in uncharted territory. Riders are still passing me. [👺What do they know that you don’t?]🤔 At Taurito there is a Road Block. My Spanish 🇪🇸 isn’t good but the barbwire and the concrete blocks certainly say don’t enter, even the sign 🪧 says something about fines ᗩᑎᗪ beheadings 💀 go no further absolutely, never, no exceptions. So I pushed ᗪᗩKOTᗩ ᖴC across to the gap in the fence and joined the rest of pedestrians and runners. The wall is Ꮮ¡TᕮᏒᗩᏞᏞY a stone’s throw from Mogân. [👺It is at this point he realised that climbing Serenity and coming down the other side would’ve yielded the same mileage but less altitude] 😱 “Damn you. God damn you all to hell!..” I continue the plan. Heading back to Maspalomas, then on to Santa Lucia de Tirajana [👺At fucking last. It’s only written on the top of ALL your rides…]🫣 Still in energy conservation mode. I resisted the urge to put the hurt on many passing riders [Or at least that’s the story I’m sticking to] At El Viento 💨 there are no outside seats 🪑disaster 😱 I can continue but I need water 💦 I reluctantly ride off. I spy a surf 🏄 shop with a fridge and wander in. I’m too tired to try out my Spanish 🇪🇸 I’d probably ask to pay for his daughter’s wedding. He says he doesn’t have a daughter but also the red bull 🐂 [except red] are free 🆓 gratis - take one. [👺The universe provides] Now I’ve never used Red Bull while riding, if nothing else they’re too small, taste like shit 💩 unless you add Vodka and cost a fortune 💰[👺but they give you wings] I’m unsure how Paul McCartney and his mates are going to help in this situation but I’ll drink it…”Band on the run, band on the run And the jailer man and sailor Sam Were searching everyone…”🎶 [👺You needed a shovel to dig that one up] The last leg of this O&B&O&BAgain is the O&BAgain reasonably flat, but traffic is building my body is now fooled into thinking it’s hydrated. I’ve eaten 3 contrabands and only have a gel and a jelly energy thing. I did some calculations [👺It’s all going to go to shit 💩 now] I can turn back at that roundabout - it’ll be 7 and change back to the Hotel 🏨 SHIT 💩 NO IT ISN’T [👺Told ya❗️] Surprisingly my legs 🦵🏾 [the other one as well] are not shredded so I do what any self respecting cyclist would do when they’re 3 miles short at the end of a fucking long day. I NOODLED‼️ B2B Ꮢᗩᕈᕼᗩ 500’s…🤫 Inception… Deep Blue Sea… Troy… Return of the Jedi… The Planet of the Apes… Wings…

ᗪᕮᗩᏒ ᗪ¡ᗩᏒY: It was 8am 🕗 on the dot when I entered the big ᗷᏒᕮᗩᏦFᗩᏚT...🥓🍳☕️ room. It would appear the regular diners have missed me. I am greeted by many including staff. Another clear indication of familiarity, I am not asked my room number. The EP goes well. There has been some logical thinking 🤔 The scrambled eggs 🍳 are now next to the baked beans 🫘 with the sausages in the [LLOSZ] lazy lean-over splash zone…🫟 Last night my internet 🛜 went off a combination of my VPN [👺 He doesn’t know what that is] and the Hotel 🏨 server resetting. Thankfully I had downloaded some programs to watch. I decide on Love ❤️ Actually as it has been on my list for a long time 🕰️ A little predictable but totally enjoyable and slotted into the gap for this week’s titles. [👺 Thus negating the need to guess] “I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes. Christmas is all around me…”🎵🎶 Another dilemma solved [👺The Universe provides] Where to Ꮢ¡ᗪᕮ? I notice a random ᏦᑌᗪOᏚ👍🏾 from @Adam Jędrysik who appears to be in GC. L👀king at his activities his last titled “ajemares ayaguares” goes west and up ⬆️ I think it’s the recommended route from Gary J-T ᗩᏦᗩ “The Puppet Master” so I’m stealing it. Thanks Adam, but you’ll also be to blame, if [👺WHEN] it all goes wrong! It’s around 1000 vertical meters…😳Unfortunately the unadulterated perloin did not work as ᏚTᏒᗩᐯᗩ really is poo 💩 at many things, maps and routes included ¡ᗰᕼO² I kinda know the route so plot it quickly on trusty KOᗰOOT [👺Never let us down and even bailed us out a couple of times] Some windmills are rotating but in no unilaterally direction. I head west and can feel a helping hand ushering me…💨That may be a problem on the way back Meh!🤷🏾‍♂️ Many groupetters pass heading east. They’re all reasonably friendly with handlebars waves. I take it easy into Maspalomas on the HC-500, then head north up GC-80. Many riders pass in the opposite direction [not as friendly] 20ish Off Road Vehicles pass on their way back from doing fun things [👺They l👀ked ᗩᗷSOᏞᑌTᕮᏞY knackered] The road is a gentle 1% until you see the dam at. Ayaguares [👺Thats the name of Adam’s route you half-inched] then it kicks up 🆙 narrow switch backs replace the gentle curves. They aren’t difficult and in no time I’m as high a the dam. Which is only accessible to residents. According to the sign 🪧 ᗩᑎᗪ If my logic is right? Why would it not be accessible to residents. Meh! 🤷🏾‍♂️ I follow the narrow ᏒOᗩᗪ up [👺What if this is the area accessible only to residents?] “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission…” [👺Maybe if we were somewhere you speak the language] The ᏒOᗩᗪ soon runs out and is replaced by a sharp rocked dirt track. It says “Abandon all hope ye who travel further…” A ᏒOᗩᗪ ᗷ¡Ꮶᕮ comes down. I continue onwards [👺Assumptive Mistake‼️] There is no right or wrong way on this surface. If you get a ᕈᑌᑎᑕTᑌᏒᕮ, that was the wrong way - simples…🤷🏾‍♂️ I am now faced with another area that has some water 💦 but I’m assuming it should be a little deeper than a bath 🛁 It is obvious that lava 🌋and probably water 💦 carved out this whole valley, much like the Grand Canyon. I’ve only seen it from the air and Saturday afternoon Westerns. But this place could be the same albeit smaller. I retrace my wheel tracks and find the up 🆙 ᏒOᗩᗪ. An electric ⚡️ bike that passed me earlier comes past me ᗩᏀᗩ¡ᑎ on the Seven-Eleven [👺Those are the gradients of this ᏒOᗩᗪ]. It is agonising. So much so I evoke the “No climbing in sunglasses” rule. They’re just collecting sweat… 😥 I reach the top and several young riders are celebrating getting to that point. I take a quick picture of the view and exit stage left before one of them can lift their bike above their head [👺Oh hell no‼️] my thoughts exactly… Vanguard’s on its time for the descent. After a while I catch electric ⚡️ bike to pro to say hello green jersey. My favourite part of the video. I want to show him how the Doppler effect works at 35 mph but it’ll probably be waisted on him. Zooooooom Z…. All too soon I’m back at Maspalomas and heading east on the GC-500 with all its stingy climbs. The predicted head wind has become a cross tail wind 💨…win🙌🏾 I loop past the Hotel 🏨 and head down to the Wind… 💨 At El Viento, I find myself alone. The place is almost empty. I negotiate the toppings on my ᕈ¡ZZᗩ🍕 food of the Gods with the waitress and choose a small San Miguel. “I have a cunning plan…” to refuel then sprint up the GC-65 [👺sprint! NFW!] around the hairpins then back to the flyover, noodling back to the Hotel 🏨 for a cheeky 💯 km.. I’ve only go 17 miles to go. It would. Ꮢᑌᗪᕮ not to. As I devour my food 🍕 A rider I passed earlier walks up past the restaurant pushing a black Pinarello F. I was doing 30mph and would not have guessed that was a Pinarello far less an F. It adds weight to my theory that all ᗷᏞᗩᑕᏦ ᗷ¡ᏦᕮᏚ l👀k the same [👺Tᕼᕮ ¡ᏒOᑎY is killing us‼️] I order a coke [👺Full Fat] what else…🤷🏾‍♂️ down that. [👺Are you going to sprint now?😂] That may have been an exaggeration of biblical proportions. By the time 🕰️ I got to the foot of the GC-65. near the cemetery, I’m willing to trade for a coffin ⚰️ I’m so done. I have two gels. Correction use two gels take off the Vanguard’s as I’m Leaking like the Herald of Free Enterprise. Everyone is going the other way and their chirpy waves mock me or at least that’s how it feels…🤡 At the junction of the GC-551 a quick calculation equals going back down will come up woefully shy of 💯 km. I don the Vanguard’s and choose happiness [👺Thats right 👉🏾] I won’t lie, it was difficult but I made it… The endorphin rush was less than expected, but I am happy with the numbers. And dropping the electric ⚡️ bike “like third period French…” [👺Appropriate] was very fulfilling…😈 Love Actually… The Thursday Murder Club… Black Adder… Oceans Twelve…

[ᏚᏦ¡ᕈ] ᗷᏒᕮᗩᏦFᗩᏚT ᑕᏞᑌᗷ...🥓🍳☕️. I can’t be triggered ᗩᏀᗩ¡ᑎ so soon ᗩᑎᗪ decide not to join the 6am 🕕 diners. ᗪᕮᗩᏒ ᗪ¡ᗩᏒY: I’m heading up my favourite descent. It’s about 200 vertical metres. But first I have to navigate the small town of El Doctoral that I am normally “full-gas… ⛽️” through so I don’t know what it l👀ks like either way…🤷🏾‍♂️ I follow a pathed route that I have never been down that brings me out by the cemetery 🪦 and the foot 🦶🏾 of the descent. It is announced by ᏀᗩᏒᗰ¡ᑎ but I’m just “Fair” so me and ᏀᗩᏒᗰ¡ᑎ have fallen out…🤌🏾 As this is an early Ꮢ¡ᗪᕮ I’ve decided to try out my new 🆕 Assos Thermonooster P1. It is essentially a base layer, according to the oversharing sales person once they offloaded their issues ᗩᑎᗪ conditions they said the long sleeve tight fitting jersey can be worn on its own. The clever designers at Assos have included two generous, flat pockets. They think 🤔 I’ve make a mistake [👺”Big mistake. Big. Huge!…”] Now you guys are doing quotes… TBH I do think it may be an error.. The temperature is supposed to be 20°c+ I check the ᏀᗩᏒᗰ¡ᑎ, ambient is 17.5°c [🇺🇸63.5°f] and rising…😥 Ahead of me is a ᏒOᗩᗪ ᗷ¡Ꮶᕮ. ᗩᑎᗪ MTB. They are dressed for an English 🇬🇧 summer. We’re about 50 meters apart, “It’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses…” 😎 [👺you can’t help yourself can you?] I didn’t know it at the time 🕰️ but you can see the junction where decisions are made…🤔 So far the 100 vertical metres have been in the shadow of the mountains 🏔️. What little wind 💨 there is, is helping the ribbed arms of my jersey to keep me reasonably cool. “I know that look, I don’t even have to see your face. You want to run the surface…” [👺 very appropriate as you’re about to boil in the bag] There’s only 20 more meters of shade. The rest of the climb [100 vertical meters] will be in the Sun 🌞. I can feel beads of sweat 😥 forming under my helmet. 🪖 At this point it’s worth mentioning the Vanguard’s handling of sweat 😥 which is extremely good. Since I’ve been here, at some point during a Ꮢ¡ᗪᕮ, I’ve leaked like the Titanic. As I only wear riding caps 🧢 in the UK 🇬🇧 the sweat 😥 rolls down my face inside the Vanguard’s and outside them too in equal amounts. My view is only obscures momentarily. When I take them off at the end of the Ꮢ¡ᗪᕮ they’re streaked and stained more than is noticeable while wearing them. Cleaning 🧼 is easy and the smears don’t obstruct your view until you can clean them correctly. I’m now exposed and expecting a temperature increase. The MTB has a mechanical [👺really?] so cynical, the ᏒOᗩᗪ ᗷ¡Ꮶᕮ is on the switch-backs. I’m still surprisingly comfortable. Airflow around my arms is cool. Before I know it I’m at the decision making point. Left is pain…😩 Right is fun…🤗 There is a straight ahead but that’s strictly for runners and MTB’s. I choose happiness…👉🏾 My jersey is coping remarkably well. Although I have the Z¡ᕈ lowered 5-10 cm there isn’t much cooling going on and it’s more a placebos than anything else. I’m in direct Sun 🌞 light 💡 and there is a breeze as I am moving sooooo faaaaasssssst [👺Yeah right!] ᕼOᗯ Ꮢᑌᗪᕮ! I love ❤️ fabric technology it’s so clever “Any significantly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”… 🪄 [👺He’s a relative] Right is so much more fun than left. And the views of the “windmills” and ocean 🌊 are as if I’m seeing them for the ᖴ¡ᏒᏚT time 🕰️ Number one bail-out point is upon me quickly. This would take me under the flyover. Nah! I continue skirting the mountainside 🏔️ The next bail-out point arrives. I’m mindful of the time 🕰️ I want to get to The Wind 💨 in time for ᗷᏒᕮᗩᏦFᗩᏚT...🥓🍳☕️ that ends at 12:30pm 🕧 One “What’s over there?…👉🏾” and it’s 1:00 pm 🕐 the initiative would be lost. I continue onwards then spy a straight ᏒOᗩᗪ almost to the ocean 🌊. Chining that off I reach the hairpin that I climbed up to on my ride the other day. That descent will be bumpy until it joins the main ᏒOᗩᗪ. I can do better. I spy a smooth new 🆕 ᏒOᗩᗪ and turn. [👺Mistake!] Hindsight is always 20/20. D’oh! It just goes in a loop around a new 🆕 estate…meh! Back on the side of the mountain ⛰️ I reach some traffic lights🚦and turn right. The ᏒOᗩᗪ descends picking up the previous bail-out ᏒOᗩᗪ. It’s smooth and fast with great sight-lines, shame the driver in front is soooo poor [👺He means shit 💩] at driving. Frustrated with their lack of anticipation, use of signals and ᏒOᗩᗪ positioning, several cars 🚗 [none of them red] overtake. The motorcycle rider frustratingly gestures as they pass…🤌🏾🖐🏾🖕🏾I could overtake but I can’t risk it, I don’t know the ᏒOᗩᗪ well enough so I hold my position, maybe next week…📆 Now down on the GC-191 it’s a straight shot to the flyover. [👺we wonder where the triplets are?] I drop down to the sea 🌊 front arriving at the Wind 💨 in plenty of time 🕰️ for ᗷᏒᕮᗩᏦFᗩᏚT...🥓🍳☕️ Last night I worked out how to translate Spanish 🇪🇸 to English 🇬🇧 on both the Vanguard’s and HSTN’s watching the news in realtime with translations. Now the real world 🌍 test. [👺 This is going to be off the chart funny 🤣] Wrong ᗩᏀᗩ¡ᑎ‼️I have to admit I thought this was a mistake, but they ᗩᗷSOᏞᑌTᕮᏞY worked ᗩᗰᗩZ¡ᑎᏀᏞY 🎧🗣️ Okay you have to wait a few seconds for the connection to the super computer Ai 🛰️📡🛰️ but you can hear 👂🏾 live translations of ALL conversations around you. It’s spooky 👻 unnerving, entertaining and addictive ᗩᑎᗪ probably so so wrong…🤫 Leaving The Wind 💨 I return to the Hotel 🏨 and sit in reception eavesdropping on “Everybody!” [👺 Cryptic] Another side effect of my covert surveillance. There is a New Year’s Eve party that I have found out about and have uncharacteristically booked a place at [👺This will be interesting, can you even stay awake until midnight?…🕛] Meh I’m more interested in the 6 course meal TBF. Also I have seen the entertainment and his entourage…🎤. The afore mentioned Apple 🍏 AirPod Pro 3’s have been bogged down by red-tape and EU regulations/restrictions and legislation. Meta just put a tiny light 💡 on the frame that no one notices and presto‼️ It’s hardly my fault if entertainment people annunciate louder than most. It’s as if they want you to hear 👂🏾 what they’re saying…🤷🏾‍♂️ Also, including yesterday’s Cervélo, a Trek, a Specialized and an unmarked ᗷ¡Ꮶᕮ [👺ᗩᑎᗪ almost on cue] like they said, a UN [never heard of that manufacturer] there are at least five other cyclists 🚴 staying in this Hotel 🏨 I’ve been here so long I order a club sandwich 🥪 and it would be Ꮢᑌᗪᕮ to not include a beer 🍺 chaser…🤷🏾‍♂️ covert surveillance is exhausting. As for the Assos jerseys, it’s magic…🪄 Pretty Woman… The Blues Brothers… The Chronicles of Riddick… Arthur C Clarke’s Third Law… Leon…